I love you.

Sitting Indian style in front of her I couldnt stand to look at her but
at the same time I couldn't help but stare. Stare right at her beautiful hazle
eyes that were at one point filled with happiness and cheer. But now looking
into her eyes they look empty, nothing but little hazle pools filled with frustation
and question. Her face, which is noramally filled with color, is now pal white with
what seems to be no expression. The tears running down her face signifies
that she has lost all hope. She dazes off in space, saying nothing to me nor
Ellie, who is sitting next to her on the cold ground. As I look at her its like she's
not even there, like im in a dream type state. In her presence it feels as if she is
a body with out a soul. Physically she's there, but mentally she is lost. Lost
in her own world of drugs and confusion. This isnt the first time I have seen her
like this, But deep down I wish it was. It gives me an uneasy feeling. As if the
balance between good and evil were uneven and it was my obligation to fix that
mistake. I hate seeing her like this. It makes me angry and depressed because
there is absoulutly nothing I can do to save her from her horrable fate, nothing i
could possibly do to help her. I love her but at the same I dont.
To understand exactly where I am coming from maybe I should take
you back to the begining were this all began. Back to when I found this sad girl
that I now feel as if its my responsbility to make her happy and content, where in
reality its really not my job. I dont have the power nor words to put a smile on her
face. And I have learned this the hard way.
Me and my best friend Amanda stand outside of school and watch this strange
kid jump around like a frog. It was midly entertaining seeings how me and Amanda were,
at the time, both small minded freshmen and had never seen anyone act this way
before. We didn't know who he was all we new was that he seemed pretty cool. He was
friends with a few of my friends so I figured I'd end up meeting him at sometime.
At that point in time I was a "prep". I guess it was my mere atempt to fit in
among the people that I thought I wanted to be-friend. After about a month of
school, I started to regret this seemingly meaningless act and felt as if I was ment to
stand out. Fitting in was hard for me, so I guess I fugured standing out would be much
easier. I guess I started to admire those who stood out at Mckinley. At that
point I promised myself that next year I would change my image, stand out, and be
who I really thought I was. As summer rolled around I slowly began my change. I
soon went from ''prep'' to ''emo'' in not even a month. I was statisfied with my change
and I felt as if I finally belonged. As summer comes to an end and sophmore
year starts I find myself be-friending an unforgetable girl who, in my opinion,
has changed my life for ever.
We had started talking to each other on myspace one day, but it took months
before we had talked in person. But the moment we did I fell in love. In my eyes
she was perfect. She could do no wrong and nothing she could do would ever hurt
me. Me, her, some of our other friends and her boyfriend (who turned out to be ''frog
boy'') would skip together alot. But me and her still werent all that close. Come to
think of it im not really sure when me and her became close. All I know is that I liked
her and as far as I knew she liked me, but sometimes It was hard to tell if she really
liked me at all. That really wasn't her fault though. I guess she was confused and didint
really know what she wanted in life yet and thats perfectly okay.
I cant really explain fully how I feel about her. Its mixed feelings that even in
my semi-simple mind can get pretty confusing. Love is a big word, and for me to
say that im in love with another girl can be intimidating and to most people thats
not what they want to here. I dont fully understand the concept of homophobia. I
dont get how a person can be afraid of another person or why people fear what
they dont understand. If that was the case I think more people would be afriad of
other things that the human mind dosent understand, of what the human mind cant
understand. I think as a human being your not supossed to know everything. We cant
handle it. Were allowed to have phobia's but of all things to have a phobia of, homosexuals
shouldnt be one of them.
Homophobia among school never changed anything between me and her though.
People would talk about me and her alot even though we werent going out. Me and her
going out was something that came up alot, but talking about it was as far as it ever
went. We would talk about, I would get my hopes up, but nothing ever happened. I should
have expected that from her of all people but I guess I wasnt thinking. I had so
much going on, and she was just another thing added to the list. I didnt get to see her as
much as I would like. She wasn't in school very often and when she was she was
dealing with her own life.
The less I saw her the less I wanted her. There were points in time where I wouldnt
see her for a week or more. During those points in time I tryed to forget about her, I tryed
to not love her. It was to much work to love someone that didnt love you back. And at times
I would forget about her, not because I wanted to though. Out of sight out of mind I guess.
But the moment I saw her I was in love again, even more then I was before. Most of the
time though I dont think she felt the same way as I did.
Fighting with her was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but of coarse
it happened. It was my fault though. I opened my mouth when I shouldnt have
and got screwed over. Normally when I get screwed over I think nothing of it,
it dosent bother me. Its just another chapter in my life that I just have to let
happen. But not this time, not with her. I couldnt lose her over something as
stupid as this. I wouldnt let it happen. Threw all the hate notes given to me
and the screw faces flashed my way I refused to fight back. I just let it all
happen. Nothing she could do would hurt me and I would make sure of
it. And I did. Soon enough our fight was over and we were friends again.
We promised each other that we would never fight again.
Happily ever after right? I wish. We were friends and even closer
then we were before but I still couldnt have her in my arms and that practically
killed me. She would tell me that she loved me but actions speak
louder then words. She had her ups and her downs like we all do. And
I could see that she hurt alot inside which no matter how much she
ignored me the fact that she hurt made it impossible for me to be mad at her.
My relationship between me and her is complex and I still dont undersatnd
it but I want to so bad. I love her unconditionally and I hope she see this.
Sitting indian style in front of her I couldnt stand to look at her but at
the same time I couldnt help but stare. Seeing her sit there and cry killed
me from the inside out. It hurt me almost as bad as she was hurting. But she
wouldnt tell me what was wrong no matter how much I asked her. I could
have helped her. I would have helped her. I will do anything for her. I dont
think me and her will ever go out. Maybe thats just the way things are supossed
to be. Its not fair but I guess life isnt fair. I love you.